365 days ago I was in a very bad place. I had a total breakdown whilst on holiday and, when I came home, it was decided that I was too unwell to return to my nursing degree and I was to take a year out. It was like my world had ended; I was overwhelmed with guilt, failure, disbelief, shame, annoyance, despair. How could I, a contentious, clued-up 22 year old, have let my life spiral so deeply out of control that I'd had to drop out of Uni and live back at home while my friends got married, had children and held down full time jobs?
The truth is, taking that year out was the best decision of my life. I could never have continued my full-time, full-on nursing degree whilst seriously battling anorexia. First in my thoughts were the patients and staff where I'd be working - it just wouldn't be fair on them. Secondly, the tough physical, mental and emotional toll that nursing takes on a person just isn't compatible with recovery and the time I had allowed me to make the baby steps towards eliminating the demon from my head. University in general is a toxic environment for those with eating disorders; it allows for unsupervised meals and exercise, offers little in the way of emotional comfort, often demands long hours and is a hard place if you stubble with perfectionism, as many with ED's do. Distancing myself from those problems allowed me to focus on myself, relax and enjoy life again.
In October it became apparent that, despite the progress I'd made since January, I still wasn't ready to go back to nursing. This killed me inside - once again, my thoughts immediately screamed failure. But, I can now see that my decision to switch from nursing to health studies doesn't signify failure, but signifies a newfound sense of determination and resilience that did not exist while I was deep in my ED. Ok, so nursing didn't work out for me right now, but I can still get out there and learn what I love, and can make decisions which don't please other people, or please my perfectionism, but are best for me at this point in my life.
Despite still feeling a teensy bit ropey this morning, I packed my bag, packed my lunch and positively skipped out the door at 7am ready to start school all over again. When I got into the class of nursing students, for a moment I did feel a little sad; they are out there managing fine, so why can't I? But as I enjoyed the feeling of concentration in a lecture, and took notes without my stomach rumbling, I realised that comparing myself to those around me is a fruitless past-time. I am me. I didn't ask for my struggles, but I've overcome them and work around them and now I'm back out there, taking a new path but one which I know, ultimately, is right for me. I'm proud of what I've chosen to do, proud of the challenges that I have faced, and a little bit proud of myself.
I'm sure I won't be saying this in a few weeks when I have a 4500 word essay due, but right now I love being back at school!
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