Remembering who I am right now

Now that I look, feel and behave much more like a healthy adult, I often have a hard time remembering that I am not, yet, entirely healthy. Aside from the little weight I still have to put on to be considered physically healthy, I still have an awful lot of work to do mentally before I can consider myself to be anything like recovered.

Often it does me a lot of good to think of statements which apply solely to me. Looking at myself in the mirror and thinking “But I look fine, why is the rest of the world allowed to eat healthily while I continue to eat all the foods people say I shouldn’t?” reminds me of two things: 1) The very fact that I still worry about the foods I’m eating and consider cutting things out of my diet means I still have a lot of work to do, and 2) I am ill. I have an illness which means certain things that don’t necessarily apply to ‘healthy’ people do apply to me. Much like you’d tell someone undergoing chemotherapy to stay out of crowded shopping malls, or a recovering alcoholic to stay out of bars, there are certain rules which I am, for the moment at least, required to live by.

1. I must continue to eat 3 meals, and 3 snacks, every single day to repair my body, metabolism and mind.
2. Dropping any amount of weight – even ‘just a few pounds’ – is a very damaging aim for me as a I try to recover from an eating disorder.
3. My meals and snacks must, for the most part, be balanced to prevent me from getting sugar highs/hungry soon after eating.
4. Reading weight/diet/fitness related content in magazines, newspapers or online, or watching such topics on television, triggers negative thoughts and therefore I shouldn’t tune in to these things.

It’s often hard trying to resume a normal life and adhere to the conditions which keep me well; ‘normal’ people can miss breakfast or lunch and be just fine, ‘normal’ people don’t want to tear their own skin off when the newspaper comes with a 5:2 supplement, ‘normal’ people don’t have to remember snacks, ‘normal’ people don’t get upset when the conversation turns to how much weight everyone in the room has lost in January. But I’m not normal. Not yet. In order to achieve the life I strive, I must concentrate on achieving these recovery goals every single day, no matter how tiring or boring or plain inconvenient they seem.