Starting today - an intention to change

I'm well aware that there must be thousands of these posts on January 2nd, but as I sit here enjoying some 'me' time while the family are out, what better time to set up my new blogging adventure?

Of course, January 1st would have been a more traditional day to begin, but I was implementing another new decision all day; a decision to get out there and enjoy life and all the adventures that it holds. Spooked by a poor forecast and feeling rather lethargic, I was sorely tempted to stay inside and celebrate New Years Day by fermenting in front of the fire. But given that staying inside has led to me feeling really grim lately, I decided to buck up and get out there - we were going racing! 

We got cold, a bit damp and very tired - but y'know what? I had a great time. The people were jolly, the racing was really good (if you come to know me, you'll realise that horse racing is one of my greatest loves) and just getting out in the fresh air was a relief after all the inside time that the festive season brings. Pushing myself a little pays off, and today I appreciate the chance to have a day inside. 

So, why have I started blogging under this cringey title today? Well, my story is thus; I have an eating disorder and have been in recovery for over a year now. Great progress has been made since the dark days of starvation, isolation and exercise but, as we embark on 2014, I have realised that my recovery is now stagnant. Almost weight-restored, less anxious and much more normal looking, it is tempting for me to say 'That's it, I'm done!' But I am not. By a long shot. Aside from the small amount of weight I still have to come to terms with putting on, my mind feels a very, very long way behind my body. I no longer push myself, no longer challenge myself, have neglected to take great care of myself of late, and this feeling of 'stuckness' is wearing me down. It's wearing my family and treatment team down too. So, in an effort to unstick myself, I've decided to start blogging. 

"It does not matter how slowly you go, so long as you do not stop." Confucius

I like that quote a lot, but I feel that I personally have taken my foot off the gas too much, and that has to change. I'm entering my 24th year in the world and want to make it a good one, not one controlled by ED. I hate New Years Resolutions (after all, the last one I made and stuck to ended me up here…) and endeavour not to make any, but today marks my intention to change. I shall have to be brave, I shall have to be bold, but I will find the magic.