Honesty and tears

Oh dear. My predictions about today not being a good day were correct.

This morning, I had dietitian and psychologist appointments. They didn't go well; what I believed had been a successful, 'free' Christmas was shot down in flames when it was discovered that I'd lost weight.  I started this blog with the intention of changing and haven't done that so far, and I'm mad at myself. I'm going to admit some things which are painful to say:

• I haven't actually gained any weight since July 2013. In fact, I've lost a little.
• Meal planning stopped a long time ago. And I was not mentally ready to stop.
• I haven't had a mid-morning snack for some weeks now.
• The anorexic voice has become firmly in charge of my food choices; healthy things have crept back in and overwhelmed my snacks, I've been choose light food, avoiding cheese etc.
• Walking has become an issue for me again - I'm not sure what impact, if any, the walking I do has on my weight (I don't walk far) but it's the rigidity of the habit, the 'I must walk today or I am a fat lazy person,' which is the problem.
• Self care = non-existent. A warning sign for me is when I stop caring what I look like, and I've long since done that.

Ok, I said them. I hate my ED for all that. For making me a liar, for making me manipulative. I came home from my appointments and burst into tears, before spending a long time sniffling and isolating and feeling sorry for myself. Some days, like today, recovery seems like an impossible uphill task.

"Success often comes to those who dare and act; it seldom goes to the timid who are ever afraid of the consequences." Jawaharlal Nehru

Recovery is not, however, impossible. It just requires a lot more effort, determination, motivation and grit than I have been putting in thus far. Crying to mum earlier, I said "I just don't know how to get better." But I do know how. I just don't like the answer. Meal planning, upping my calories, varying my diet…it's all scary, out of my comfort zone stuff, not to mention time consuming. But without putting in this effort, I'll never get better - it's that simple. My weight has been slowly slipping for so long now, and it's an ever sliding ride back down to ED-hell if I'm not careful. I thought 2014 was going to be a good year? Well, I have to make it that.

Coming my way in the next few weeks is a lot of hard work. I predict some tears too. But it can only be worth it in the end, and I can't wait to finally go to my treatment team with some good news rather than tears and a slice of self-loathing. 

I started this afternoon in determined fashion….