Occupation: Recovering

On Monday, my dietitian described recovery as a full time job. In the early stages (and I don't just mean early as in the first few months, it can takes many months or even years to reach the next stage in the journey where hunger is normalised and the thoughts much less obtrusive) recovery takes up much of your time and thinking. Thinking about what you're eating, when you're eating, making sure you get enough etc etc…it's time consuming. Then there is all the time spent dealing with the thoughts and feelings that come with eating; guilt, pride, bargaining with yourself, debating in your head, anxiety, confusion.

The idea of devoting a lot of time to recovery sat badly with me at first. "But I just want to be normal - I don't want to have to think about what I'm eating and when, it's not what other people do" I moaned at her. And I am right, it's not what normal people do. But, contrary to what my head tries to tell me, I'm not like other people. I'm recovering from an eating disorder, learning to eat normally again and trying to retire my hunger cues, metabolism and physical health - so devoting time to these things is important and necessary.

Sometimes it does really frustrate me that I can't just walk out the door without planning snacks or taking a packed lunch. I remember, vaguely, the days when I left for Uni without a care about lunch, intending to purchase something from the bakery next door when I felt hungry. However, I'm hopeful that that day will come again; right now, however, I need to stick to a plan to prevent me from undereating or making poor choices. And I shouldn't be ashamed of that - it won't be forever.

I have a serious tendency to strive for normality to such an extent that recovery gets put on the back-burner. I think I'm doing well, because I'm 'being like everyone else', but in fact this leads to me slipping. Desperate not to become a slave to my disorder, I've been trying to push it out of my life by ignoring it - this doesn't work. In fact, I do need to commit myself full time to recovery, at least for a little while. Eating properly, exercising less, removing triggers - all things which are wholly necessary to become 100% better.

"Many of life's failures are people who did not realise how close they were to success when they gave up." - Thomas  Edison 

Just because I'm not at the very beginning of my recovery journey doesn't mean that I can't choose now to commit completely and make this my main focus for a while. Ok, I'm not going to sit at home 24/7 writing positive quotes and meal planning, but I am going to recognise and accept that more time than I have been previously prepared to give up is required for recovery. One day, it won't need to be my conscious main focus, but for right now, recovery is my job.