Wonderfully made

Last night, I read a Twitter post that quoted Psalm 139:14:

"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made"

I like that. Someone went to the bother of making me, of making each intricate part of me, and no matter what I look like, I am loved for what I am.

This Psalm was still playing on my mind this morning when I made a rather upsetting discovery. Before anorexia, I suffered from alopecia; during my first year at University I lost quite a bit of hair on my head, as well as some from my arms, legs and eyebrows, although thankfully I always had enough left to just about manage to cover the bald patches. For reasons unknown, eventually my hair stopped falling out and grew back. I was ecstatic.

Sweeping my hair up in a style that I couldn't wear for several years due to the bald patches earlier, I realised that it's started again. Just behind my right ear is a large, apparently rapidly expanding bald patch. To be honest, I am gutted. During the worst of my ED, my hair was absolutely horrible - thin, dry, dull, lifeless - and with good nourishment it's finally looking really healthy again. Recently I've been singing loudly about my newfound love for my hair, in all its fuzzy glory - and now I'm going to have to tell people that it's falling out again.

First time round, my self confidence plummeted and for quite a while I stopped going out with friends and became very, very down about it all. "How will anyone love me?" I remember thinking. Of course, today's discovery has led to those feelings coming flooding back, but this time x100. "I'll be fat and bald, great" was what my mind said at 8am. This, however, is not a helpful way of thinking. With alopecia, there is no way of knowing what path it will take - I could lose all my hair, or I could just lose a little, or somewhere in between. The important thing to remember is that I can't do anything about it, other than keep myself physically and mentally healthy. What will be will be.

My relationship with religion is a bit up and down, mainly because I'm just not sure where to start with it all. I often find myself turning to God when I need reassurance or comfort or help, and this morning, as I thought about Him making me fearfully and wonderfully, it gave me a sense of calm about this whole situation. God loves me, other people will love me, and I just have to learn to love myself no matter what.

When the going gets tough

I try to be positive on this blog. But I have to say it. I'm having a hard day.

A really hard day.

I always find weekends harder. The lack of routine, and fact that everyone is at home, really seems to throw me, and as much as I wish that I didn't have to rely on a tight structure, when Saturday comes and my mood plummets I realise that I really do.

Things that have upset me today include...

• I made a poor decision at breakfast, and then felt worse that I chose to restrict because I wasn't supervised (I get it, I'm ill, but when I type that out I get the loudest voice shouting in my head 'You're 23. You need supervised to eat all your breakfast? Like, seriously?')
• My friends from school posting pictures of them and their partners on Facebook/writing about new jobs/buying houses (Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled for everyone, but basically see above...I still seem to need someone to watch me eat breakfast.....)
• The ED voice and mum argued at lunch; I say it like this because it's honestly like another person takes over my mouth and spouts total nonsense about not needing food and eating too many carbs...
• Same ED voice ranted and raved about afternoon snack; I had a panic because I was under pressure to choose something quickly, ended up choosing something dumb, then refusing to make up the difference
• The Winter Olympics are finishing (this is a daft reason to be upset...)
• Tonight is my parents Silver Wedding Anniversary meal. And I am sat in here, typing this, instead of eating out with them. Why? Because I'm still too scared of restaurants

Those times when you don't feel like being positive are times when choosing to be positive makes the biggest difference.

So today seems grim. I've made bad decisions, I've upset my parents, I've cried silently. But I need to remember that weekends don't have to be bad; just because it IS the weekend doesn't mean I automatically NEED to struggle. Everyone has bad days, and we learn from them. I can learn from today too, if I look deep enough - I've learned that skimping on breakfast heightens the risk of a negative day (so don't do it), meal plans are there to be stuck to so that the 'choice panic' doesn't occur (so stick to them), comparisons lead to despair (so don't compare, we're all at different places in our lives), I've come a long way and will soon be confident enough to eat out ("do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself") and there will always be something to replace the Olympics on tv. So stop being negative.

Success is within reach of all people, but you can grasp it only when you realize the power within you.

Insomnia and ED's

Although every symptom of my eating disorder was distressing, the insomnia that came with it was one of the most life-altering for me. At my worst moments, I was working 13 hour shifts and returning home exhausted, but totally unable to sleep. Many hours were spent sobbing into my pillow, hungry, tired, afraid and desperate for some peace.

Difficulty sleeping is a recognised symptom of an eating disorder. I think there are several potential reasons; it may be linked to the depression which so often runs alongside an ED, hormonal disturbances, increased anxiety, the use of sleep-inhibiting behaviours such as caffeine loading and, put simply, a lack of nutrition preventing the body from switching off. My exercise level was too high, my carbohydrate consumption too low, and when I wanted to sleep my body spent the time screaming 'Get up and find me some food!' instead. Prior to my ED, I vividly remember the times that I went to bed hungry, or woke up ravenous at 2am, and was unable to fall asleep; if you're hungry, more often than not the body just won't rest until it is satiated. It's a natural response.

Everyone has nights where they just. can't. sleep. but for me, my insomnia started to drift away when I did 2 main things:

1. Started eating a nourishing diet throughout the day.
2. Began having a substantial night snack 20-30mins before going to bed (something like toast, a toasted teacake, cereal and banana etc)

For some, eating before bed has always been a no-no, but I find myself unable to nod off and, if I do, waking up hungry if I don't have a good snack. I can't tell you the difference that eating well has made to my sleeping, and if I happen to have a bad few days food-wise, the effects always show up in my sleep. Definitely an incentive to keep eating!

As for the much touted theory that eating late makes you gain weight, well, here's my stance on that - if the body shut down entirely overnight, it might make sense. But while we sleep, our body is still functioning; our heart is beating, our lungs are working, our brain is working, our skin and hair are growing and repairing, our liver is active, our stomach is digesting, our kidneys are still going etc etc. All of these processes require energy, and energy is the same whenever you give it. My mother, for example, has 2 snacks each evening and has been the same weight for years. The National Sleep Foundation even recommend a good snack:

I've also found some other, non-food related things really useful in helping my sleep:

• lavender essential oil is brilliant sprinkled on a tissue or on my pillow - it plays a huge role in helping me relax.
• making sure I'm not too hot or too cold - lately I've been taking a hot water bottle for my feet which is nice.
• getting into a good routine - I always read a chapter or two of a good book before trying to sleep, and I find it helps me unwind and stop thinking about everything going on in my head.
• practising mindfulness in bed can be really helpful if I can't drift off.
• I use a Lumie body clock which gives an artificial sunset before I sleep, and I really like it; it's also a much kinder way to wake up in the morning and stops me from being grumpy and thrashing an alarm off in a rage! 

Self shaming

"I'm embarrassed," I say, "When I cry over some biscuits I'm ashamed, and I don't want to admit to people how I'm feeling because it's shameful."

"Would you feel embarrassed to ask for help if you had cancer?"

"No - I suppose it's my own form of self-stigma."

This was the conversation I had yesterday with my dietitian during a joint appointment with my psychologist and mother. My family don't usually come to these sessions but, to try and help support me in moving forwards, it was suggested that my mum come along too and a joint plan be formulated. Of course, with my mum present some truths were hard to acknowledge, and I was forced to admit things that are often quite hard to discuss, such as my fear of burdening others, of my ED taking over the family, of being afraid to ask for support because I don't feel that I deserve it and am embarrassed by my failings.

Truth is, there is nothing to be ashamed of. I believe this wholeheartedly, and repeatedly tell others, but have difficult applying it to myself. However, my fear of reaching out and asking for help does hold me back and hopefully now that mum and I are understanding of each other's needs, I won't be so afraid to admit that things are hard and that I need support.

This appointment also highlighted to me that I have to continue moving forwards, and I have a renewed plan of action for banishing the ED. My plan involves tackling foods that I still feel scared of, tackling eating out, tackling my rigidity and ensuring that I keep mixing it up. To be honest, I'm quite frightened of it but I can't keep living in limbo-land forever.

Valentines Day

Ah Valentines Day. Yesterday I walked past the heart shaped display in my local shop and sniffed haughtily at the teddies and chocolates; 'What a waste of time, money and effort' I mumbled.

Of course, I'd secretly love it if someone sent me a valentine and no mean words would escape from my mouth if I actually had someone to waste time, money and effort buying me a teddy! Alas, I do not.

Loving someone else, and being loved, is all well and good, but I have to admit that right now I struggle to love myself. And it's stupid, because I'm stuck with me - with my brain, my body, my imperfections, my talents - forever, so the sooner I come to accept all these things and get on with who I'm stuck as, the better.

This morning when I woke up I immediately realised it was Valentines day. Then I immediately had a bad thought about my body. It struck me as I stared at my thighs in the mirror that this habit is not a very loving thing to put myself through each day, and that I'd be much better off trying to accept my body and appreciate it for what it is rather than what it is not and cannot be.

Therefore this Valentines Day, I've made these vows to myself in an attempt to stop the cycle of self-loathing that sometimes get stuck on repeat in my head:

• I vow to accept my body at a healthy weight.
• I vow to appreciate what my body does for me each day - it allows me to walk, to dance, to think, to make toasted teacakes and watch medical documentaries.
• I vow to stop wishing that I could be different - I am who I am, and no amount of wishing or hatred will change that.
• I vow to meet my body's nutritional needs each day.
• I vow to nourish my body in other ways each day; getting enough rest, engaging in self-care, taking a hot bath.
• I vow to stop body checking - it is useless, damaging and fills me with concern. My body is constantly changing, so checking is pointless (This will be especially hard…)
• I vow to look at myself each day and appreciate the things that recovery has given me; my hair, my skin, my ability to fill clothes, a smile.

I don't live in a fairy land and I know that I'm not going to be able to believe everything I've written there at every moment of every day, but if I can achieve just some of those things and begin to believe that I am worthy and I am capable of getting on with myself, that'll be a big step forward. 

What other people do?

My parents are currently celebrating their anniversary in London, leaving me in the charge of the puppy, dog, 16 year old and 4 horses. Oh, and myself. I'm not too good at looking after that last one.

Or at least, I wasn't. Previously, being left to my own devices resulted in everyone else getting fed except for me. Without the supervision of my mum, I restricted and over-exercised, thinking I was oh-so clever. 'Look at me, look at all my self control.' Except I was totally out of control, plummeting towards the darkness and absorbed only in my own destruction.

I saw this quote today and it resonated with me:

“If we don’t change, we don’t grow. If we don’t grow, we aren’t really living.” ~Gail Sheehy

I could easily have continued with my previous habits this week - there is no one checking on me, no one watching, and I am constantly busy with cooking, cleaning and animal-sitting. But instead, I am determined to show everyone around me that I am changing and I am growing - I am capable of good self-care and independence. Every meal has been an opportunity to restrict, and yet I have completed every meal and snack as instructed, even having dessert when my sister wasn't which is a major thing for me.

Not gonna lie, it's hard. I find myself making lunch for the animals, making lunch for my sister, then wondering what to do next. Make lunch for myself? Is that what other people do? My default has been reset to 'not eating' and it saddens me that I even question what to do when 12 o'clock ticks around - of course I should have lunch, every other person has lunch, I am no different. No one doesn't eat, we need to eat to survive. It just seems like an alien concept after a long time restricting.

It's going to take a while, I think, before eating comes naturally. I found myself shaking as I ate my egg at lunch today, wracked with guilt and uncertainty. But the important thing is that I keep doing it, keep pushing myself even when the going is tough. It will get easier eventually. 

I leave blogging today with a picture of puppy in the snow - his first encounter, and it sent him absolutely crazy. 

The ol 'not sick enough' voice

This morning I got a phone call from my GP, concerned after a letter appeared from my psychologist stating that I wasn't making progress and that she had concerns. The thought that he genuinely cared - cared enough to request that he phone me - was rather comforting.

There has been a lot in the press about waiting times for eating disorder treatment, and about access to support for sufferers. This report from B.eat contains some truly awful statistics:

• 26% had to wait longer than 6 months from being referred to starting outpatient treatment
• 8% waited longer than a year
• 40% were told their BMI wasn’t low enough to access treatment quickly

I made an appointment with my GP in early summer 2012, and saw the local specialist ED team within a few weeks; my BMI was not (and yes, I hate this term..) 'very underweight' at the time but the doctor I saw seemed to realise the potential severity of my situation and referred me. Since August 2012, I have had the option of bi-montly psychologist and dietitian appointments, with potential for increasing or decreasing their frequency depending on my needs. Ok, sometimes I curse these appointments and make loud moaning noises when I realise I'm going to be weighed, but I do really count myself very lucky. 

For some months now, I've been hovering between underweight and healthy weight, yet the level of supervision I get hasn't decreased, nor has the push from my healthcare team to achieve full weight restoration and really get going with my recovery. They are pushing for my discharge, sure, but not because they want rid of me; they just want me to have my life back. 

And yet still my mind worries that once I reach a healthy weight, everyone will abandon me and I'll be left with a healthy body and sick mind. This has been playing on my brain all week, causing my recent weight gain to send me into temporary panics. But the call from my GP this morning served as a reminder that I do have a support team and I can't fail on them. 

Earlier, I bought a copy of Cosmopolitan magazine and it contained an article about this very subject - people being denied treatment because they are not at a low enough weight. Turning back to the sad diary entries I kept when I first started dieting, it is clear to me that my eating disordered thoughts and behaviours began way before I was anywhere near underweight. I suspect poor nutrition and a input/output deficit was one of the factors that flicked a switch for me, and that happened after only a few weeks of bad eating and over-exercising. Even when I did seek help, I recall my BMI being in a range that was still considered healthy by some. Thank goodness for a knowledgable GP. 

  

Reality

Last night, I was still sat at the dinner table an hour after the others had left. Dishes had been washed, the table wiped, the floor swept around me and an episode of Come Dine with Me watched. Still I sat.

In front of me was a tub of ice cream, and an expanding lake of tears. Between every mouthful, drips slid off my nose and sadly added to the puddle below. All I was doing was eating a tub of ice cream, but my head was screeching.

"It's a good thing that you're fighting the voices by eating it, well done."
"You're fat. What a fatty."
"Why did you choose to eat the ice cream? No one made you. You could have had nothing."
"But every time you fight, you're beating it!"
"Ice cream?! You could have had an apple, or a 99cal biscuit! What's wrong with you!"
"You're fat. What a fatty."
"This is a positive step, ok it's an hour late but you're doing it, that's great."
"You're fat. What a fatty."

Eventually, while everyone ignores me and tiptoes past so as not to draw attention to the sniffing wreck at the table, I finish. Rising from the table hot, frightened, guilty and just downright sad, I end up in the hall having an ED-fuelled rant at mum. Why am I doing this, I cry. What's the point? I'm sick of stuffing myself, sick of eating more than everyone. I'm not even thin the monster hisses. It's like another force takes over my mouth, spouting nonsense and hurtful tripe while my rational brain whimpers and whispers 'Stop hurting people, this isn't the real you.' I end up in the bath, sobbing my heart out. And I wonder…

I wonder how many other families in the UK have spent the night in similar circumstances. A frightened, cornered child, held hostage by a monster. Emotional, exhausted parents, unsure what the right this is to do; do you try and appease the villain, ignore it, challenge it? How many more evenings have been stolen by ED, snatching away family time and vacuuming the fun and laughter and love out of normal life. I only hope that every mother, father, aunt, uncle, brother, sister, grandma, grandpa, hamster and pet earwig that plays witness to an ED in full force can understand that this isn't the real person speaking. It's like literally being held hostage inside your own body. It's so exhausting.

A Happier Life

Recently I saw a post on Tumblr from The Online Counselling College and copied it down to keep. I felt it contained some really important tips for building a happier day; I am so easily pulled into a spiral of negative, toxic thinking and often having some written steps for turning my mood around is helpful.

10 Tips for Creating A Happier Life 

1. Examine and challenge your negative thinking. Don't allow yourself to jump to painful, negative conclusions.
I get a lot of negative thoughts. For example, this morning I woke up feeling bloated and immediately thought 'I am fat and disgusting.' Rather than believing that I am fat and disgusting, I challenged this thought; yes, my stomach is bloated, but there are reasons for that and something I have definitely learned from recovery is that bloating always goes away eventually. The rest of me is not fat, it is impossible to have gained weight overnight. The fat thought is merely my eating disorder trying to bring me down, and I won't let it do that. 
2. Imagine a better, more positive future and think about steps that could take you there.
I know I don't want to spend the rest of my 20's living at home with my parents watching me, and I've already started to build my new future by getting back into education and considering job opportunities. Rather than sitting being miserable about my friends all having high-flying careers, homes and relationships, I am realising that I have overcome a serious illness and I too can have the things that my friends have, or whatever makes me happy. I don't need to be thin, or exercise more/eat less than everyone else to be 'the best', I just need to be content with who I am and being healthy. 
3. Try to live a purposeful, and meaningful, life.
I used to think my purpose was being thin. Now, I've come to realise that that is not a purpose. My purpose is changing all the time, but includes being a happy, healthy friend, daughter, sister, cousin and hopefully in the future girlfriend and mother. For too long I have fretted about the fact that I don't have a 'defined purpose' - but I'm coming to realise that I don't have to have a job or children to have a purpose, I just need to be present and content in my current situation. 
4. Choose to focus on the positives instead of the negatives. They both exist - so choose to think about the good.
When I wake up, my first thought tends to be 'I can't believe I have to get out of bed, how unfair.' Recently, I've been trying to say 'My bed was so comfortable last night, I had a good sleep and I can't wait to be back here in a matter of hours.' Rather than always thinking about the negative of a situation - for example, gaining weight is going to make me fat and out of control - I'm trying to retrain my brain to think of some positives - gaining weight is giving me my life back and making me happy and healthy,  much happier and healthier than I was when I was much thinner. 
5. Let go of the demands, of the "oughts", "musts" and "shoulds".
This is a hard one for me. My mind sits in a permanent state of overdrive, thinking about what I must do or what I should be doing with my time. Learning to let go of this habit, just to sit with feelings, will serve me better. Kicking perfectionism out of my life would make me much happier. 
6. Don't just bury all your negative or difficult emotions. Face and deal with the things that are getting you down.
Another hard one. However, I'm getting better at this; rather than saying 'Eating is getting me down, so I'll not eat what I'm supposed to' I am finally acknowledging that it's hard, facing the fear and doing it anyway in the hope of a brighter future. I'm also guilty of feeling low and wallowing in that emotion, whereas the correct is response is recognising that I'm feeling low and doing something about it - blogging, listening to music, watching a good tv show and most importantly, not socially isolating myself. 
7. Be grateful for the small things that bring joy to your day.
I have started this in earnest recently. Last night, I was so thankful for getting into my warm bed with a good book and my sunset lamp, and this morning the beautiful sunset was a glorious way to start the day. I'm even finding a way of bringing joy to wisdom teeth pain - the joy that comes when the painkillers kick in!
8. Take your eyes off the past, and things that have gone wrong, and think about "next time" and what you'll do differently. 
On my low days, all I can focus on is where I've gone wrong in my life. Choosing the wrong subjects at school, quitting University the first time, buying an apartment then refusing to live in it, dropping out of nursing…when I get caught up in this spiral of doom I just plummet into depression. Instead, I need to look forward; acknowledge that I have learned from the past and have lots to look forward to in the future. My mistakes have made me more resilient, more resourceful, not afraid to speak my mind and make changes…it's not all negative. 
9. Relinquish the need to try and fix other people- and just focus on creating your own happiness.
This is a HUGE one for me. I feel a constant need to improve and change the lives of others. Instead of focusing on the intricate details of my family and friends, I have to concentrate on ME and what will make MY life better. Taking a step back and letting people make some decisions for themselves would serve me well. 
10. Recognise that happiness is a choice. It may be hard work, but you can choose your attitude.