When the going gets tough

I try to be positive on this blog. But I have to say it. I'm having a hard day.

A really hard day.

I always find weekends harder. The lack of routine, and fact that everyone is at home, really seems to throw me, and as much as I wish that I didn't have to rely on a tight structure, when Saturday comes and my mood plummets I realise that I really do.

Things that have upset me today include...

• I made a poor decision at breakfast, and then felt worse that I chose to restrict because I wasn't supervised (I get it, I'm ill, but when I type that out I get the loudest voice shouting in my head 'You're 23. You need supervised to eat all your breakfast? Like, seriously?')
• My friends from school posting pictures of them and their partners on Facebook/writing about new jobs/buying houses (Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled for everyone, but basically see above...I still seem to need someone to watch me eat breakfast.....)
• The ED voice and mum argued at lunch; I say it like this because it's honestly like another person takes over my mouth and spouts total nonsense about not needing food and eating too many carbs...
• Same ED voice ranted and raved about afternoon snack; I had a panic because I was under pressure to choose something quickly, ended up choosing something dumb, then refusing to make up the difference
• The Winter Olympics are finishing (this is a daft reason to be upset...)
• Tonight is my parents Silver Wedding Anniversary meal. And I am sat in here, typing this, instead of eating out with them. Why? Because I'm still too scared of restaurants

Those times when you don't feel like being positive are times when choosing to be positive makes the biggest difference.

So today seems grim. I've made bad decisions, I've upset my parents, I've cried silently. But I need to remember that weekends don't have to be bad; just because it IS the weekend doesn't mean I automatically NEED to struggle. Everyone has bad days, and we learn from them. I can learn from today too, if I look deep enough - I've learned that skimping on breakfast heightens the risk of a negative day (so don't do it), meal plans are there to be stuck to so that the 'choice panic' doesn't occur (so stick to them), comparisons lead to despair (so don't compare, we're all at different places in our lives), I've come a long way and will soon be confident enough to eat out ("do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself") and there will always be something to replace the Olympics on tv. So stop being negative.

Success is within reach of all people, but you can grasp it only when you realize the power within you.