"Would you feel embarrassed to ask for help if you had cancer?"
"No - I suppose it's my own form of self-stigma."
This was the conversation I had yesterday with my dietitian during a joint appointment with my psychologist and mother. My family don't usually come to these sessions but, to try and help support me in moving forwards, it was suggested that my mum come along too and a joint plan be formulated. Of course, with my mum present some truths were hard to acknowledge, and I was forced to admit things that are often quite hard to discuss, such as my fear of burdening others, of my ED taking over the family, of being afraid to ask for support because I don't feel that I deserve it and am embarrassed by my failings.
Truth is, there is nothing to be ashamed of. I believe this wholeheartedly, and repeatedly tell others, but have difficult applying it to myself. However, my fear of reaching out and asking for help does hold me back and hopefully now that mum and I are understanding of each other's needs, I won't be so afraid to admit that things are hard and that I need support.
This appointment also highlighted to me that I have to continue moving forwards, and I have a renewed plan of action for banishing the ED. My plan involves tackling foods that I still feel scared of, tackling eating out, tackling my rigidity and ensuring that I keep mixing it up. To be honest, I'm quite frightened of it but I can't keep living in limbo-land forever.
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