Reality

Last night, I was still sat at the dinner table an hour after the others had left. Dishes had been washed, the table wiped, the floor swept around me and an episode of Come Dine with Me watched. Still I sat.

In front of me was a tub of ice cream, and an expanding lake of tears. Between every mouthful, drips slid off my nose and sadly added to the puddle below. All I was doing was eating a tub of ice cream, but my head was screeching.

"It's a good thing that you're fighting the voices by eating it, well done."
"You're fat. What a fatty."
"Why did you choose to eat the ice cream? No one made you. You could have had nothing."
"But every time you fight, you're beating it!"
"Ice cream?! You could have had an apple, or a 99cal biscuit! What's wrong with you!"
"You're fat. What a fatty."
"This is a positive step, ok it's an hour late but you're doing it, that's great."
"You're fat. What a fatty."

Eventually, while everyone ignores me and tiptoes past so as not to draw attention to the sniffing wreck at the table, I finish. Rising from the table hot, frightened, guilty and just downright sad, I end up in the hall having an ED-fuelled rant at mum. Why am I doing this, I cry. What's the point? I'm sick of stuffing myself, sick of eating more than everyone. I'm not even thin the monster hisses. It's like another force takes over my mouth, spouting nonsense and hurtful tripe while my rational brain whimpers and whispers 'Stop hurting people, this isn't the real you.' I end up in the bath, sobbing my heart out. And I wonder…

I wonder how many other families in the UK have spent the night in similar circumstances. A frightened, cornered child, held hostage by a monster. Emotional, exhausted parents, unsure what the right this is to do; do you try and appease the villain, ignore it, challenge it? How many more evenings have been stolen by ED, snatching away family time and vacuuming the fun and laughter and love out of normal life. I only hope that every mother, father, aunt, uncle, brother, sister, grandma, grandpa, hamster and pet earwig that plays witness to an ED in full force can understand that this isn't the real person speaking. It's like literally being held hostage inside your own body. It's so exhausting.