Valentines Day

Ah Valentines Day. Yesterday I walked past the heart shaped display in my local shop and sniffed haughtily at the teddies and chocolates; 'What a waste of time, money and effort' I mumbled.

Of course, I'd secretly love it if someone sent me a valentine and no mean words would escape from my mouth if I actually had someone to waste time, money and effort buying me a teddy! Alas, I do not.

Loving someone else, and being loved, is all well and good, but I have to admit that right now I struggle to love myself. And it's stupid, because I'm stuck with me - with my brain, my body, my imperfections, my talents - forever, so the sooner I come to accept all these things and get on with who I'm stuck as, the better.

This morning when I woke up I immediately realised it was Valentines day. Then I immediately had a bad thought about my body. It struck me as I stared at my thighs in the mirror that this habit is not a very loving thing to put myself through each day, and that I'd be much better off trying to accept my body and appreciate it for what it is rather than what it is not and cannot be.

Therefore this Valentines Day, I've made these vows to myself in an attempt to stop the cycle of self-loathing that sometimes get stuck on repeat in my head:

• I vow to accept my body at a healthy weight.
• I vow to appreciate what my body does for me each day - it allows me to walk, to dance, to think, to make toasted teacakes and watch medical documentaries.
• I vow to stop wishing that I could be different - I am who I am, and no amount of wishing or hatred will change that.
• I vow to meet my body's nutritional needs each day.
• I vow to nourish my body in other ways each day; getting enough rest, engaging in self-care, taking a hot bath.
• I vow to stop body checking - it is useless, damaging and fills me with concern. My body is constantly changing, so checking is pointless (This will be especially hard…)
• I vow to look at myself each day and appreciate the things that recovery has given me; my hair, my skin, my ability to fill clothes, a smile.

I don't live in a fairy land and I know that I'm not going to be able to believe everything I've written there at every moment of every day, but if I can achieve just some of those things and begin to believe that I am worthy and I am capable of getting on with myself, that'll be a big step forward.