Wonderfully made

Last night, I read a Twitter post that quoted Psalm 139:14:

"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made"

I like that. Someone went to the bother of making me, of making each intricate part of me, and no matter what I look like, I am loved for what I am.

This Psalm was still playing on my mind this morning when I made a rather upsetting discovery. Before anorexia, I suffered from alopecia; during my first year at University I lost quite a bit of hair on my head, as well as some from my arms, legs and eyebrows, although thankfully I always had enough left to just about manage to cover the bald patches. For reasons unknown, eventually my hair stopped falling out and grew back. I was ecstatic.

Sweeping my hair up in a style that I couldn't wear for several years due to the bald patches earlier, I realised that it's started again. Just behind my right ear is a large, apparently rapidly expanding bald patch. To be honest, I am gutted. During the worst of my ED, my hair was absolutely horrible - thin, dry, dull, lifeless - and with good nourishment it's finally looking really healthy again. Recently I've been singing loudly about my newfound love for my hair, in all its fuzzy glory - and now I'm going to have to tell people that it's falling out again.

First time round, my self confidence plummeted and for quite a while I stopped going out with friends and became very, very down about it all. "How will anyone love me?" I remember thinking. Of course, today's discovery has led to those feelings coming flooding back, but this time x100. "I'll be fat and bald, great" was what my mind said at 8am. This, however, is not a helpful way of thinking. With alopecia, there is no way of knowing what path it will take - I could lose all my hair, or I could just lose a little, or somewhere in between. The important thing to remember is that I can't do anything about it, other than keep myself physically and mentally healthy. What will be will be.

My relationship with religion is a bit up and down, mainly because I'm just not sure where to start with it all. I often find myself turning to God when I need reassurance or comfort or help, and this morning, as I thought about Him making me fearfully and wonderfully, it gave me a sense of calm about this whole situation. God loves me, other people will love me, and I just have to learn to love myself no matter what.