The ol 'not sick enough' voice

This morning I got a phone call from my GP, concerned after a letter appeared from my psychologist stating that I wasn't making progress and that she had concerns. The thought that he genuinely cared - cared enough to request that he phone me - was rather comforting.

There has been a lot in the press about waiting times for eating disorder treatment, and about access to support for sufferers. This report from B.eat contains some truly awful statistics:

• 26% had to wait longer than 6 months from being referred to starting outpatient treatment
• 8% waited longer than a year
• 40% were told their BMI wasn’t low enough to access treatment quickly

I made an appointment with my GP in early summer 2012, and saw the local specialist ED team within a few weeks; my BMI was not (and yes, I hate this term..) 'very underweight' at the time but the doctor I saw seemed to realise the potential severity of my situation and referred me. Since August 2012, I have had the option of bi-montly psychologist and dietitian appointments, with potential for increasing or decreasing their frequency depending on my needs. Ok, sometimes I curse these appointments and make loud moaning noises when I realise I'm going to be weighed, but I do really count myself very lucky. 

For some months now, I've been hovering between underweight and healthy weight, yet the level of supervision I get hasn't decreased, nor has the push from my healthcare team to achieve full weight restoration and really get going with my recovery. They are pushing for my discharge, sure, but not because they want rid of me; they just want me to have my life back. 

And yet still my mind worries that once I reach a healthy weight, everyone will abandon me and I'll be left with a healthy body and sick mind. This has been playing on my brain all week, causing my recent weight gain to send me into temporary panics. But the call from my GP this morning served as a reminder that I do have a support team and I can't fail on them. 

Earlier, I bought a copy of Cosmopolitan magazine and it contained an article about this very subject - people being denied treatment because they are not at a low enough weight. Turning back to the sad diary entries I kept when I first started dieting, it is clear to me that my eating disordered thoughts and behaviours began way before I was anywhere near underweight. I suspect poor nutrition and a input/output deficit was one of the factors that flicked a switch for me, and that happened after only a few weeks of bad eating and over-exercising. Even when I did seek help, I recall my BMI being in a range that was still considered healthy by some. Thank goodness for a knowledgable GP.