Or at least, I wasn't. Previously, being left to my own devices resulted in everyone else getting fed except for me. Without the supervision of my mum, I restricted and over-exercised, thinking I was oh-so clever. 'Look at me, look at all my self control.' Except I was totally out of control, plummeting towards the darkness and absorbed only in my own destruction.
I saw this quote today and it resonated with me:
“If we don’t change, we don’t grow. If we don’t grow, we aren’t really living.” ~Gail Sheehy
I could easily have continued with my previous habits this week - there is no one checking on me, no one watching, and I am constantly busy with cooking, cleaning and animal-sitting. But instead, I am determined to show everyone around me that I am changing and I am growing - I am capable of good self-care and independence. Every meal has been an opportunity to restrict, and yet I have completed every meal and snack as instructed, even having dessert when my sister wasn't which is a major thing for me.
Not gonna lie, it's hard. I find myself making lunch for the animals, making lunch for my sister, then wondering what to do next. Make lunch for myself? Is that what other people do? My default has been reset to 'not eating' and it saddens me that I even question what to do when 12 o'clock ticks around - of course I should have lunch, every other person has lunch, I am no different. No one doesn't eat, we need to eat to survive. It just seems like an alien concept after a long time restricting.
It's going to take a while, I think, before eating comes naturally. I found myself shaking as I ate my egg at lunch today, wracked with guilt and uncertainty. But the important thing is that I keep doing it, keep pushing myself even when the going is tough. It will get easier eventually. I leave blogging today with a picture of puppy in the snow - his first encounter, and it sent him absolutely crazy.
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